Friends - Venner For Livet

The One With Rachel's Book

[Opening scene: Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are all in the kitchen. Joey walks into the apartment with a bag of bread in his hand]

Joey: hey.

All: Hi.

Joey: Who wants french toast?

Ross: Oh, I'll have some.

Joey: Me, too. [He throws the bag off bread to Ross] Eggs and milk in the fridge. Thanks!

Monica: Ow!

Chandler: What's the matter, honey?

Monica: My hand feels weird. I guess it's because I'm engaged! [She holds up her hand to show off her ring]

Monica: How long before that starts getting annoying?

Phoebe: Starts?

Rachel: So, let's actually get started on the wedding plans.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Already?

Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do. We got to think about flowers, the caterers, the music.

Chandler: I have thoughts on that.

Rachel: Oh, Chandler, too many cooks.

Ross: Take it from me. As the groom all you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.

[Monica comes back with a box and puts it on the table]

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: What in god's name is that?

Ross: Oh, my god. The wedding book? I haven't seen that since the fourth grade.

Monica: This baby has got everything. Take, you know, locations, for instance: First organized alphabetically, then geographically then by square footage.

Phoebe: That is so smart. [to Chandler under her breath] Break it off. (Coughs) Break it off now.

[Cuts to commercial. Cut to Ross teaching a class. Phoebe walks in and interupts]

Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first. Now, let's...

Phoebe: Hey, Ross.

Ross: Phoebe, oh, my god. What are you doing here?

Phoebe: I need to talk to you. It's pretty urgent. It's about Monica and Chandler.

Ross: [worried] Oh, my god. Of course.

Ross: [To his class] Would you please excuse me for a moment? Do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't you...?

Ross: What's going on?

Phoebe: Well, not much, but I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it'd be nice if they had some privacy, you know? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?

Ross: Um, okay. Yeah, sure but what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?

Phoebe: Nothing. Why?

Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it is. I'm going to the movies and it starts in, like, five minutes.

Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude.

Phoebe: [To his class] Does anyone want to come to the movies?

[Cut to Monica, Rachel and Chandler sitting at the kitchen table. Joey is laying down on their couch]

Monica: All right, I haven't cleared the budget with my parents yet but tell me how this is for music.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: A string quartet for the processional, a jazz trio for cocktails, the bay city rollers for dancing... Wait. That was for my sixth-grade wedding.

Chandler: Well, you couldn't get them, anyway. I mean, Ian doesn't even play anymore and Derek... Well, Derek is a name I shouldn't know.

Joey: Hey, Mon, do you have another pillow? You know, something a little snugglier?

Chandler: Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?

Joey: The duck.

Rachel: What? The duck? What the hell did the damn duck do now?

Joey: Uh, well, he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up.

Chandler: Now do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?

Monica: Of course you can look at it. Yeah, I want your opinion, too. Okay. Here you go.

Monica: What do you think about centerpieces? Centerpieces. Yeah. Roses... Or lilies?

Chandler: Definitely roses. [Monica looks disappointed] Well, I just think they're a little bit more weddingy.

Chandler: [Monica holds the rose picture back and holds the lily picture closer to Chandler] But lilies are the clear choice.

Monica: Oh, my god. It's like one mind.

Chandler: Uh-huh.

Joey: Guys, guys... You got to let me nap. I'm going to get cranky.

Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall.

Joey: Yes, it is perfectly good... And it is not one of the places the duck got sick.

Rachel: What?

Joey: All right, I'm going to go.

Rachel: Joey what did the duck do?

Joey: I don't know, but he did not eat your face cream.

[Cut to Joey leaving and going to his apartment. He walks into his bedroom to check on the duck.]

Joey: Hey, little buddy. How you feeling? Ah!

[Joey sees the duck has gotten sick and backs out of the room quickly]

Joey: What the hell is in that face cream?

[Joey then goes to lay down on the couch but sees a nice bed in Rachel's room. He feels the bedspread and then folds the covers back and lays down.]

Joey: That's so soft. Pillowcases. Oh, yeah... Oh, oh... Oh... What the...?

[Joey finds a book in her bed and begins to read it out loud]

Joey: [Reading the book] "Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar..."

Joey: Vicar? Hmm.

Joey: "...Wouldn't be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his..."

Joey: Whoa! This is a dirty book!

[Cut to Ross coming home from work. He opens the door to his apartment to find Phoebe giving a client a massage on her portable massage table]

Ross: Uh, phoebe? ( Deep, sultry voice )

Phoebe: Oh, Ross, hi.

Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: I'm sorry. I'm with a client right now.

Ross: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Okay, let's talk outside.

[They step out into the hall]

Ross: Phoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment.

Phoebe: What's the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler's.

Ross: And they knew about it?

Phoebe: Okay, look, Ross, what is this really about?

Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want.

Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments. I just don't know what the big deal is.

Ross: The big deal is, I don't want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle... Beer-- cold beer.

[Cuts to Joey sweeping the floor in his apartment. Rachel enters]

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Hey, Joey. What are you doing?

Joey: Sweeping. Why? Does it turn you on?

Rachel: No.

Joey: Hmm... What if I was, uh, sweeping the chimney?

Rachel: Joey, did you eat my face cream?

[Rachel begins to walk off towards her room]

Joey: Where you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.

Rachel: Joey... Where did you learn that word?

Joey: Where do you think... Zelda?

Rachel: (Gasps) you found my book?

Joey: Yeah, I did!

Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?

Joey: Okay, I'm sorry. I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldn't have, but you got porn.

Rachel: Oh! You... Hey, you know what? I don't care. I'm not ashamed of my book. There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little... Erotica.

Rachel: It's just a healthy expression of female sexuality which, by the way, is something that you will never understand.

Joey: You got porn. (Laughing)

[Cuts to Ross at his place. He walks out of his kitchen with a bowl of salad. He sees Phoebe's forgotten to fold her massage table down so he tries to fold it. It snaps and hits him so he yells then just sets it back up. Just then there is a knock at the door]

Ross: (knocking at door) Hello.

Client's Daughter: Hi.

[A beautiful woman is at his door]

Client's Daughter: Is, uh, Phoebe here?

Ross: Uh, no, no. Sh-she's out for the night.

Client's Daughter: Oh, great.

Ross: Can I... Can I help you with something?

Client's Daughter: Oh, I don't know. Are you a masseur?

Ross: Yes, I am.

Client's Daughter: Great. Dad?

[She has her father step up to the door. Ross is shocked that he now has to massage this old man]

Client's Daughter: Thank you so much. I'll be back to pick him up in an hour.

[Cuts to a restaurant where Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents]

Mrs. Gellar: So, Chandler, your parents must have been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, I should probably call them.

Mr. Gellar: I remember when we first got engaged.

Chandler: Oh, I don't think I've ever heard that story.

Monica: Dad, really, you don't need...

Mr. Gellar: Well, I had gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know how that happened. M

Mrs. Gellar: You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.

Chandler: What a sweet story.

Monica: Well, at least you're not hearing it for the first time at your fifth-grade Halloween party.

Mr. Gellar: What? They wanted a scary story.

Monica: (Chuckling) Anyway, we're really excited about our wedding plans and I guess pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Monica and chandler chuckle)

Monica: uh-oh. What? M

Mrs. Gellar: You tell her, Jack, I can't do it.

Monica: You still have the Monica wedding fund, don't you?

Mr. Gellar: We have it. Only now we call it "the beach house."

[Cut to commercial]

[Cut back to the restaurant]

Monica: I can't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house! M

Mrs. Gellar: We're sorry, honey but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30, you'd pay for it yourself.

Monica: You bought the beach house when I was 23.

Mr. Gellar: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you can't put a price on that, sweetie. M

Mrs. Gellar: We really do feel bad about this, though.

Mr. Gellar: We started saving again when you were dating Richard but then that went to hell, so we re-did the kitchen.

Monica: What about when I started dating Chandler?

Mrs. Gellar: Well, it was Chandler. We didn't think he'd ever propose.

Chandler: Clearly, I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. ( Chuckling )

Monica: I can't believe it. There is no money for my wedding? M

Mrs. Gellar: We might still have some money if your father hadn't thought it was a good idea to sell ice over the internet.

Mr. Gellar: It seemed like such a simple idea. M

Mrs. Gellar: "Stupid," Jack. The word is "stupid."

Mr. Gellar: All right, enough. I don't want to hear about it anymore. Good luck, Chandler.

[Cuts to Ross at his place. The man is laying down on the massage table with a towel over him. Ross is rubbing lotion on his hands to prepare himself. He is not happy about this]

Ross: Okay. Now, I'm going to... Touch you.

Ross: Oh, that's soft.

[Ross no longer wants to touch him so he grabs the wooden spoons out of the salad bowl and begins to massage him with those]

[Cut to Monica and Chandler back at their apartment. Phoebe and Rachel are there.]

Monica: I can't believe this. Do you think that your parents can help pay for it?

Chandler: I don't know. My mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding and she's saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to... Dollywood.

Rachel: Well, what happened at dinner?

Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding.

Phoebe: ( Gasps ) My god! What did you order?

Rachel: Wait, but... There's no money? Well, this is terrible! You guys are going to have to get married in, like a rec center.

Chandler: Honey, it's going to be okay.

Monica: No, no, it's not. It's not going to be okay. It sucks! No swing band, no lilies...

Rachel: No, you know what? It's going to be okay. I mean, you don't need to have this... Rustic italian feast, you know? And-and you dot need this custom-made, empire-waisted duchess satin gown. You can wear off-the-rack.

Chandler: Look, it really is going to be okay. The important thing is that we love each other and that we're going to get married.

Rachel: Do you even understand what "off-the-rack" means?

Phoebe: Look, why don't you just pay for it yourself?

Monica: How? I don't have any money.

Chandler: Well, I have some.

Monica: How much?

Chandler: Well, close to...

[Everyone leans in to hear how much so Chandler decides to right the amount down so only Monica can see it]

Monica: Wow! Are you kidding me? Well, what? How-how much is it?

Monica: It's enough for wedding scenario "A."

Rachel: (Gasping) Really?

Monica: How great are you, you little saver?! I mean, the amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding.

Rachel: Oh! You guys are so made for each other.

Chandler: Well, you're not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?

Monica: Uh, yeah!

Rachel: Uh, yeah!

Chandler: Look... Mon, I've been saving this money for six years and I kind of had some of it earmarked for the future not just for a party.

Phoebe: [Phoebe looks at the paper he wrote the amount on] Wow! Hello, Mr. Chandler.

Monica: Sweetie, this is the most special day of our lives.

Chandler: No, I realize that, honey but I'm not going to spend all the money on one party.

Monica: Honey, um, I-I love you... ( Giggles ) ...But, um, if you call our wedding a "party" one more time you may not get invited, okay?

Monica: Listen... We can always earn more money, okay but we're only going to get married once.

Chandler: Look, I understand but I have to put my foot down, okay? The answer is no.

Monica: You-you're going to have to "put your foot down"?

Chandler: Yes, I am.

Phoebe: Wow. Money and a firm hand. Finally a chandler I can get on board with.

[Cut to the Central Perk. Joey is sitting in their usual corner alone. Rachel comes in]

Joey: Hi, Rach.

Rachel: Joey.

Joey: Hey, Rach. Do you smell smoke?

Rachel: Uh-huh. I get it. Smoke, chimney, chimney sweep-- very funny. Ha, ha.

Joey: No, no, no. I'm serious. You don't smell it? Something's on fire.

Rachel: No, I don't smell anything.

Joey: Oh, you know what? It's probably just your burnin' loins.

Ross: Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Rachel: Nothing.

Ross: Hmm. Dang, this coffee's cold. Hey, Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?

Rachel: You know, I cannot believe you told him. Joey...

Ross: So, I guess you bought that book after we broke up, huh?

Rachel: Uh-huh. Yeah, I did because I wore out my first copy when I was with you.

Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah? Well, uh, when we were going out I read tons of porno magazines!

[Ross goes to the door as Rachel leaves. There is a table behind him full of women. He turns around and says to them:]

Ross: Whassup?

[Phoebe enters]

Phoebe: Ross, how could you do that to an old man?!

Ross: Excuse me, ladies. I'm sorry?

Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.

Ross: I gave him an extremely professional massage.

Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.

Ross: Well, okay, so it wasn't, a traditional massage. But I did give him acupressure with a pair of chopsticks. And, and, I gently exfoliated him with-with a mop.

Phoebe: Well, he's never coming back. Okay, you just cost me $80 a week!

Ross: Hey, you know what? This is your fault. You're the one who didn't move his appointment.

Phoebe: Oh, it's my fault? You didn't have to massage him. You could've sent him away. You could've not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back!

Ross: He said he liked that!

Ross: Oh, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

Joey: Dude... What are you massaging an old man for?

Ross: His daughter was hot.

Joey: Gotcha.

[Cuts to Monica and Chandler. Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table reading when Monica walks in the front door]

Monica: (Door opens) Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Listen, um... I've been thinking and... It's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work... You work really hard for that.

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: Well, you worked for that.

Chandler: Look, I've thought about it, too and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.

Monica: You do?

Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. ( Chuckling ) Yeah, look. When I proposed, I told you that I would do anything to make you happy... And if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then... Then that's what we're going to do.

Monica: You are so sweet. Oh, but wait. What about, what about the future and stuff?

Chandler: Ahh, forget about the future and stuff. So we only have two kids. You know, we'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.

Monica: I mean, you've thought about that?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?

Chandler: Uh, four: A boy, twin girls, and another boy.

Monica: What else did you think about?

Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live. You know, like a small place outside the city where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. You know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.

Monica: You know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding.

Chandler: Sure you do.

Monica: No. I want everything that you've just said. I want a marriage.

Chandler: You sure? Mm-hmm.

Chandler: I love you so much.

Monica: I love you. Hey, listen, um when you were talking about our future when you said cat, but you meant dog, right?

Chandler: Yeah, totally.

Monica: Oh, good.

[Cut to commercial]

[Cut to Rachel sitting at the counter at their apartment. Joey walks out of his bedroom dressed in Hockey gear. He uses a sultry voice when speaking to Rachel]

Joey: Hello, Zelda.

Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?

Joey: The vicar!

Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?

Joey: It's like a goalie, right?

Rachel: Yeah. Look, Joey, it's enough, all right? You're making these stupid jokes and these sleazy innuendoes and it's, I'm not... It's just not funny anymore!

Joey: All right, I'm sorry. Rach, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. Maybe I can make it up to you by... Taking you roughly in the barn.

Rachel: Aah! All right, you know what? That's it. You want to do it? Let's do it.

Joey: Huh?

Rachel: That's right. I want to do it with you.

[Rachel starts going after him. Joey is backing away]

Rachel: Been trying to fight it but you've just said all the right things.

Joey: I-I-I did?

Rachel: Yeah. Oh, I've been waiting so long to get on that body.

Joey: Body?

Rachel: Yeah, that right. Come on, Joey. Sex me up.

Joey: Hey, hey, you're starting to sound like the butcher's wife there in chapter seven.

Rachel: Oh, come on, now. Don't keep me waiting. Get those clothes off. But I would keep that helmet on 'cause you're in for a rough ride.

Joey: I don't want to. I'm scared.

-END-