Friends - Venner For Livet

The One Where Rachel Tells

SCENE: Chandler & Monica's apartment, Chandler is sitting on the couch-

Chandler: "Hey, babe, aren't you excited? We're going on our honeymoon."

Monica: "Yeah I am."

Chandler: (singing) "Bermuda, Bahamas, c'mon pretty mama."

Monica: "That's right. Get it out of our system while we're alone."

Joey: (entering) "Hey! We came to say good-bye."

Phoebe: (also entering) "Yeah, have a great honeymoon."

Monica: "Thanks."

Chandler: "I better go pack."

Monica: "Oh, no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn't find though was your speedo."

Joey gives an odd look, Phoebe tries not to laugh--

Chandler: "Speedo. Uh… I don't have a speedo." (while walking towards the bedroom) "I'm gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit."

Rachel: (entering) "Oh good you're still here. I wanted to tell you to have a good honeymoon." (hugs Monica)

Monica: "Oh, thank you."

Rachel: "Oh, and I also wanted you guys to know that I AM telling the father today." (Joey, Phoebe, & Monica have odd expressions on their faces) "What? What? What?"

Joey: (excitedly) "We know it's Ross!"

Rachel: "How? How do you know?

Phoebe: "It was his sweater. But, oh my God!"

Rachel: "Wow, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I am so relieved that you guys know."

Monica: "That's so great, and I'm gonna be your baby's aunt."

Rachel & Monica hug--

Rachel: "I know."

Phoebe: (joins the hug) "Me too."

Joey: (joins the hug) "I'm gonna be an uncle. Come here."

Rachel: (they stop hugging) "You're all going to be aunts and uncles."

Monica: "Yeah, but I'm the only one related by blood."

Rachel: "Ok, great." (claps hands together) "So, now that you guys all know you can help me, give me some advice on how I'm going to tell Ross." (walks to the livingroom side of the couch)

Monica: "Well, what were you going to say?" (is with Phoebe & Joey on the diningroom side of the couch)

Rachel: "Well, I was going to tell him, I'm going to have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants."

Joey: "Well, that sounds good."

Rachel: "Yeah, but, ya'know, how do I start? I mean, what's the first thing that I say?" (Phoebe, Joey, & Monica all stand silent) "Ok, great. Thanks." (heads for the door)

Monica: "Hey, good luck."

Joey & Phoebe: "Yeah, bye."

Chandler: (coming out of bedroom) "Hey, what was that all about?"

Monica: "Well, I guess there's no harm in telling you now. Um, Rachel and Ross are going to have a baby."

Chandler: (is shocked) (high-pitched voice) "What?! I didn't even know that-- Why didn't you tell me? Why am I talking like this?" (referring to his high-pitched voice)

Monica: "I didn't think you could keep it a secret."

Chandler: (still in high-pitched voice) "What?!" (normal voice) "I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets."

Joey: "What secrets?"

Chandler: "Oh, no, no Joey. I'm not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper."

Phoebe & Monica walk away--

Joey: "Pssst. Tell me later?"

Chandler: "You already know."

OPENING CREDITS

SCENE - Joey & Rachel's apartment, Phoebe & Joey walk in-

Phoebe: "It is so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon."

Joey: "Ya'know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something."

Phoebe: "All in good time, my love." (she touches his chin sweetly) "All in good time." (a moment later) "Oh, shoot, I left my guitar in their apartment. Well, you can let me in later, right?"

Joey: "No, I don't have a key. They took mine to give to you."

Phoebe: "What? They took mine to give to you."

Joey: "Wha--? Why would they take away our keys?"

Phoebe: "Maybe they don't trust us."

Joey: "No, that's not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town."

Phoebe: "You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica's guest towels?"

Joey: "Hey, I washed those."

Phoebe: "No, you didn't."

Joey: "Yeah, that didn't sound like me."

Phoebe: "Well, what am I going to do? I really need my guitar."

Joey: "Yeah, I have stuff in there too."

Phoebe: "What stuff?"

Joey: "Monica's chicken (word unknown)." (picks up phone) "I'll take care of this." (into phone) "Hey, Mr. Treeger, it's Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandler's apartment. It's an emergency." (eyes grow wide as he listens) "Uh… uh… gas leak. Yeah, oh, and bring garlic bread."

Ross: (enters apartment) "Hey."

Phoebe: "Hey. Did Rachel find you?"

Ross: "No, why?"

Phoebe: "Oh, she was, looking for you."

Ross: "Oh, well, I guess I'll catch up with her later." (opens fridge)

Phoebe: "Well, she really wanted to talk to you now."

Joey: "Yeah, it seemed pretty important."

Ross: "Oh no."

Phoebe: "What?"

Ross: "I think I might know what this is about."

Joey: "Really?"

Ross: (walks further into the apartment, stands near recliner) "Yeah, uh… We promised we weren't going to tell anybody this, but, uh… about a month ago, Rachel and I slept together."

Phoebe: "And?"

Ross: "Wow, I thought you'd be a little more shocked."

Phoebe: "Oh, sorry. AND?"

Ross: "Well, we said we'd just do it that one time, but now I think she may want to start things up again."

Joey: "Yeah, I don't think that's what it is."

Ross: "Why? What else could it be?"

Joey: "Oh, wow, I don't feel well." (rubs his stomach)

Ross: "No, I'm telling you, I'm telling you…" (sits on recliner) "That's what it is. Oh, no wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn't say anything to you?"

Phoebe: (to Joey) "Maybe it's something you ate."

Joey: (rubs his stomach in response to Phoebe, then turns to Ross) "Please, just, just, go and talk to Rachel."

Ross: (gets up and heads for the door) "Yeah, I guess I should." (grabs briefcase off foosball table) "Man… you know what I have to realize? Maybe I'm not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Ya'know, they always seem to want a little bit more." (thoughtfully) "I should remember that." (leaves)

SCENE - at the airport, Chandler and Monica are in line -

Clerk: (to couple standing ahead of Chandler & Monica in line) "Next."

Monica: (RE: the couple ahead of them) "Their kissing, let's just go around them."

Chandler: "Oh, honey, leave them alone. They're in love."

Monica: "I'm in love too. But in an orderly fashion."

Clerk: (to kissing couple) "Next."

Monica: "Hi. Can you do that and walk? Because she said 'next'."

Kissing girl: "Oh. Sorry." (kissing couple step up to the counter) "We didn't hear you. We're on our honeymoon."

Clerk: "Oh. Let me see what I can do." (checks computer) "There are some first class seats available."

Monica: "Did you hear that? They bumped them up to first class because they're on their honeymoon. C'mon, let's act like we're on our honeymoon." (puts her arm around Chandler)

Chandler: "We ARE on our honeymoon."

Monica: (gives him a slight scowl) "Grab my ass."

Clerk: "Next."

Monica: "Hi, sorry. I almost didn't hear you, because, ya'know, I'm just so in love with my new husband. We're on our honeymoon."

Clerk: "Congratulations."

Monica: "Thanks."

Clerk: "Ok, Mr. Bing, you'll be in 25J, and Mrs. Bing, you're in 25K."

Monica: "Uh, no, you see, we're on our honeymoon. So, um, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class?"

Clerk: "I'm sorry, all the first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two."

Monica: "You see? If we'd gone around them like I said then she would've given us those tickets. Damn it!"

Chandler: (to clerk) "Twenty-five J & K. Any chance those aren't together?"

SCENE - Joey & Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are sitting at the kitchen counter/bar -

Joey: "I still can't believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours."

Phoebe: "Of course I do. And I'm going to get it back to you just as soon as they're done with it at the key shining place."

(Banging can be heard from out in the hall)

Joey: "What the hell is that?"

(Phoebe & Joey get up to investigate)

Joey: (to Treeger and a fireman who is axing down Chandler and Monica's door) "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Treeger, what are you doing?"

Treeger: "You said there was a gas leak in here."

Phoebe: "Well, why don't you use your key?"

Treeger: "Because by the time I found it on this thing…" (holds up large key ring full of keys) "The whole place might've exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage people are gonna start asking questions." (to fireman) "C'mon. Hurry up."

(fireman finishes axing door down)

Phoebe: "Oh!" (pause) "Well, we could've done that."

SCENE - Airport, Chandler & Monica see the kissing couple walk into the first class lounge -

Monica: "Look at that, look at that. They're going into the first class lounge. Do you know what they have in there?"

Chandler: "No."

Monica: "Me neither. We have to get in."

(they walk into the first class lounge)

Chandler: "Just act like you belong."

Monica: "Oh my God! Oranges!"

Chandler: "Ssshhh." (walks casually past the clerk) "Nice to see you again."

Clerk: "Uh, sir. May I see your tickets please?"

Chandler: "Yes, of course." (shows clerk tickets)

Clerk: "I'm sorry, would you move your thumb? I can't see the seat number."

Chandler: "Oh, that's alright. I have it memorized. It's 1A."

Clerk: (snatches tickets from Chandler's hand) "Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I'm sorry."

Chandler: "Apology accepted. Excuse us." (tries to dart into the lounge)

Clerk: "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Monica: "Fine" (grabs an orange) "Go! Go! Go!" (they run out)

SCENE - Hallway outside of Ross' apartment, Rachel is sitting on the ground, Ross walks around the corner -

Rachel: (spots Ross) "Hi."

Ross: (sympathetically) "Hi."

Rachel: "Hi." (Ross helps her off the ground) "Um… I think there's something that we really need to talk about."

Ross: "I think we do. Why don't we go inside?"

Rachel: "Ok."

(They enter Ross' apartment)

Ross: "Look, uh… I know why you're here."

Rachel: "You do?"

Ross: "Yeah. And to save you from any embarrassment, I think maybe I should talk first."

Rachel: (her expression is like she's finding his behavior odd) "Ok."

Ross: "Ok?" (he gestures for her to sit) (chuckles) "Ross and Rachel… Rachel and Ross…" (chuckles) "That's been one heck of a seesaw, hasn't it?"

Rachel: (confused) "What?"

Ross: "I mean, look, that…" (kneels in front of her) "That one night we had was fun, and certainly passionate, but don't you think it's better, if we just stay friends?"

Rachel: (still confused) "Seriously, what?"

Ross: "Ok, ok. You know what? If you want to… we can do it one more time. I mean, I'd be ok with that. In fact," (checks watch) "I have some time right now."

Rachel: "Ok, Ross. You know what? Can I talk now?"

Ross: "Oh, sure." (sits on apothecary table)

Rachel: "Ok." (pause, nervous uttering) "I'm pregnant." (Ross freezes with an odd look on his face) "Ross?" (still an odd look on his face) "Ross?" "Ok. Whenever you're ready." (she leans back in the chair and starts thumbing through a magazine, his expression is still weird) "And you're the father by the way. But, you go."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCENE -Ross' apartment, where we left off, Ross' expression is still bewildered -

Rachel: "Can I get you some water?"

Ross: (parched voice) "No, I'm good. I'm good."

Rachel: "Ross, there is no pressure on you, ok? I mean, you can be as involved as you want." (Ross nods with an extremely odd expression on his face)

Ross: "Yeah, I uh… I'm just, I don't know. I don't understand, um… how this happened. We- we used a condom."

Rachel: "I know. I know, but, you know condoms only work like, 97% of the time."

Ross: "Wha- what? What?!" (pause) "Well they should put that on the box!"

Rachel: "They do."

Ross: "No they don't!" (leaves to get the condom box) (Rachel stands) "Well they should put it in huge block letters!"

Rachel: "Ok, Ross, c'mon. Let's just forget about the condoms."

Ross: "Oh, well, I may as WELL have!"

Rachel: "Listen, you know what? I was really freaked out too when I found out…"

Ross: "Freaked out, hey, I'm not freaked out." (waves dismissively, looks at condom box) "I'm indignant… as a consumer."

Rachel: "Ya'know what? Let's talk later."

Ross: "No, no, I want to talk now, ok? In fact," (picks up phone, reads phone number off condom box) "I want to talk to the president of the condom company"

Rachel: "Ok, ya'know, maybe I should come back…"

Ross: "Ssshhh!"

Rachel: "Ok."

Ross: (into phone) "Yeah I'll press one!"

(Rachel walks out)

SCENE - Chandler & Monica's apartment, Treeger is looking for gas leak -

Treeger: "I looked everywhere. There's no gas leak."

Joey: (sitting at the table eating Monica's chicken dish) "Huh. So, then, I can heat this up?"

Treeger: "Anyway, I'll get moving on that new door."

Phoebe: "Oh, great, and listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this… cause, you know, they don't… they don't have any kids of their own, and this door was like a child to them."

Treeger: "I'm gonna have to put on a new lock. They'll find out anyway."

Phoebe: "Oh, no."

Treeger: (measure door) "This looks like an all-day job. I'm gonna have to cancel my yoga class." (Ross enters) "Hey Ross."

Ross: "Hey."

Treeger: "Would you tell Jasmine I can't make it to yoga class today?"

Ross: "Sure."

Treeger: "Namaste." (does a little bow)

Ross: "Namaste." (also does the bow)(Treeger leaves, Ross notices destroyed door) "Oh my God! What happened to the door?"

Joey: "So, it's noticeable, huh?"

Ross: "Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her."

Phoebe: "Didn't you two already talk?"

Ross: "Yeah, but… Ok, ok, look--" (walks further into the apartment) "You guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there's something else." (pause) "Rachel's pregnant."

Phoebe/Joey: (overlapping, VERY dramatically) "Holy mother of God!" "Oh my God, I can't believe it!"

Ross: (pauses for a moment) "With MY child."

Phoebe: (very dramatically) "That is brand new information!"

Ross: "You already know, don't you?"

Phoebe: "Little bit."

Joey: "How you doin?"

Ross: "Ok. Ok. I mean, I'll be ok. It's just, I don't think I handled it very well."

Joey: "Well, what did you say to her?"

Ross: "Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone."

Phoebe: "Oh, Ross."

Ross: "But, hey, in my defense, I just found out that condoms are only like 97% effective."

Joey: "What?"

Ross: "I gotta go find her." (walks towards door)

Joey: "Whoa, hey, whoa, hold on! Are you serious? So, like, 3% of the time they don't even work? Huh? They should put that on the box!"

Ross: "Evidently, they do."

Joey: "What?!" (pulls a sheet of condoms out of his pocket)

SCENE - Hotel where Chandler & Monica are staying for their honeymoon, kissing couple is there -

Monica: "I can't believe we're here."

Chandler: (spots kissing couple) (quietly) "Oh, you got to be kidding me."

Monica: "What?" (sees kissing couple) (gasps)

Clerk: (to kissing couple) "As a wedding gift to you the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite."

Monica: "No! You have been screwing us all day!

Kissing guy: "Who are you?"

Chandler: "We're you! Just ten seconds later!"

Monica: "You already got the first class tickets, you got the lounge. I mean, we should get free stuff too! I mean, you're not the only ones on your honeymoon!"

Kissing gal: "Well, you can have the suite if you want. We don't care about where we stay. We're here to celebrate our love for each other. We don't have to get free stuff. We just want to be together."

Chandler: (smiles at them, then at Monica, then looks back to them) "We need the stuff."

SCENE - Chandler & Monica's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are sitting at the diningroom table, Joey is on the phone -

Joey: (into phone) "Hey, Monica, it's Joey. Listen, Phoebe and I smell gas coming from your apartment."

Monica: (into phone at hotel) "What? Are you serious?" (to Chandler) "Joey smells gas."

Chandler: "What else is new?"

Joey: "Yeah, and we'd go check it out, but you took away our keys."

Monica: "Well, do something. Get in there."

Joey: "How? I guess I could break down your door."

Monica: "Yeah! Do that!"

Joey: "And you won't blame us for any damage?"

Monica: "No!"

(Phoebe and Joey give each other a thumbs up)

Monica: "Are you doing it? I don't hear anything, come on!"

Joey: "Uh, ok, I'll break it down." (he stands and starts banging a diningroom chair on the ground)

Phoebe: "Ok, hi, he's doing it. He's breaking down the door." (Joey breaks the chair in pieces) "Ok, we're in." (clicks the disconnect button)

SCENE - Drs office, Rachel is in a hospital style gown with her feet up in stirrups -

Nurse: "Ok, Rachel, you comfortable?"

Rachel: (sighs) "If I said I was, would you judge me?"

Nurse: "The Dr will be here in a minute to do your sonogram." (nurse leaves)

Rachel: (RE: the table she is laying on) (sighs) "Oh, man, I swear… if they sold these at Pottery Barn…"

Ross: (enters) "Hi."

Rachel: (anxiously) "Hi."

Ross: "Uh, we need to talk."

Rachel: "R-Right now? Cause I kind of got an alfresco situation going on over here."

Ross: "Please. Please. I really… I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today."

Rachel: "Ok, Ross, that's fine but could you please stay up near my head?"

Ross: "What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I mean, I think I went a little crazy. I was thinking about myself when, I really, I should have been thinking about you." (as he paces he ends up back near her feet)

Rachel: "Ok, head Ross, head Ross, head Ross."

Ross: "Right. Right. I just, I want you to know that I'm going to be there through this whole thing, ok, ok? The Drs appointments, the Lamaze classes, baby-proofing the apartment-- although we could probably worry about that till after we get married."

Rachel: "Married?"

Ross: "Well, yeah, I think we should get married."

Rachel: "What, because that's your answer to everything?"

Ross: "No, because that's the right thing to do."

Rachel: "Yeah, maybe, if you're in love. But Ross, we're not in love, are we?"

Ross: "No, but… But still, I mean, you can't possibly do this alone."

Rachel: "Excuse me?"

Ross: "C'mon, Rach, I mean, you can't even, eat alone in a restaurant."

Rachel: "What?"

Ross: "I'm just saying. If you can't eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?"

Rachel: "I can too eat by myself."

Ross: "When have you ever?"

Rachel: "When certain people leave the table and I am not finished."

Ross: "Well, certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup."

Rachel: "Oh, please, you inhale your food."

Ross: "I grew up with Monica! If you didn't eat fast you didn't eat!"

Dr: (entering after a brief knock) "Am I interrupting?

Rachel: "Oh, no, Dr Long, please come in. This is Ross. He is the father."

Ross: "But not the husband because evidently she can do this alone." (shakes her hand)

Dr: "Oh. Nice to meet you. I'll get started on this." (starts the sonogram)

Ross: "I don't know why you can't admit that you need me."

Rachel: "I do need you-- I need you to stay near my head!"

Dr: "Ok, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. There's your uterus, and right here, is your baby."

Ross: "Oh my God."

Rachel: "Wow. There it is. I see it."

Dr: "Congratulations. I'll give you two a minute." (Dr leaves)

Ross: "Thank you." (after Dr leaves, to Rachel) "Pretty amazing huh?"

Rachel: (her hand is over her mouth, she is choked up) "I don't see it!" (crying)

Ross: "What? What?

Rachel: "I can't see it"

Ross: "You- you- you just said that you did."

Rachel: "I know, I lied, I didn't want her to think I was a terrible mother! I can't even see my own baby!"

Ross: "Oh, sure. Come here. Sure you can. Look. Come here. Look. It's- it's right there." (points it out)

Rachel: "Oh. Oh, it's beautiful. I see it now."

Ross: "Do you really?"

Rachel: "No, I don't see it!"

Ross: "Ok, come on, come on. Ok, ok, you see- you see this- this tiny thing that looks like a peanut?"

Rachel: "Yeah."

Ross: "Sweetie, that’s it"

Rachel: "That's it? Well, I saw that! (giggles) "Oh, thank you"

Ross: "You're welcome."

Rachel: "Wow. I can't believe that’s our baby."

Ross: "Yeah, that’s our baby."

ENDING CREDITS

TAG SCENE - Joey & Rachel's apartment, Phoebe & Joey are there -

Rachel: "Hi."

Phoebe: "Hey. So, how was the Dr?"

Rachel: "Oh, everything went great."

Phoebe: "Oh, good."

Ross: "Oh, hey, show them the picture of your uterus."

Phoebe: "Aww…"

Joey: "I don't see the baby. Where is it?"

Rachel: "Oh, no, I know, I couldn't see it either at first, but it's right, um…" (looks harder at picture) "Ross, I lost it again."

Ross: (takes the sonogram picture from her) "Oh, let me see…" (puts his arm around her, points the baby out) --it is said very softly, so that might not be what he said--

-END-