Friends - Venner For Livet

The One With The Video Tape

SCENE: Hall outside Chandler and Monica's apartment, Chandler and Monica enter from stairs--

Chandler: (stops before reaching their door) "Wait. Before we go in I just want you to know that… I love you and I had a great time on our honeymoon and I can't wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together."

Monica: (glances at his neck) "You're really sticking with the shell necklace, huh?"

Phoebe and Joey enter from Joey's apartment--

Joey/Phoebe: "Hey! You're back!" "Hey! Yay!" (Phoebe hugs Chandler, Joey hugs Monica)

Monica: "Hey sweetie, hey…"

(Phoebe kisses Monica's cheek)

Phoebe: "Come on in!" (Phoebe grabs Chandler's luggage and Joey grabs Monica's luggage)

Joey: "Yeah, come on!"

(they enter Joey's apartment)

Phoebe: "Hee-hee… So how was the honeymoon?"

Monica: "Oh, it was so much fun, but the best part is we met this incredible couple on the flight back."

Phoebe: "That was the best part?" (looks at Chandler) "Good honeymooning, tiger."

Monica: "No, they were really cool. And they were on their honeymoon too."

Chandler: "They're terrific, and they live right here in the city."

Monica: (interrupting, speaking excitedly and fast) "Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I want to call!"

Chandler: "I'm sorry, we're just kind of excited cause we finally have a couple to hang out with."

Joey: "A couple? Like two people? Like, one, two people?" (holds up one, then two fingers)

Monica: "This is different. Greg and Jenny are in a relationship."

Phoebe: "Ugh! Greg and Jenny. Ugh! 'Hi, Greg, I'm Chandler, this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.' (odd noises of disgust)"

(Joey comforts her by placing his hand on her shoulder and patting her back)

Chandler: "Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance to--"

Joey: (interrupting) "You know what? Why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here."

Chandler: (stammering) "Yeah, we didn't get a chance to…"

Phoebe: "You've GOT to be kidding me!"

Monica: "We didn't get anything for anyone."

Joey: "Mm-hmm, yeah… nice necklace." (RE: Chandler's shell necklace)

Monica: "THAT you can have."

(Chandler rolls his eyes and head)

OPENING CREDITS

--NO COMMERCIAL, WHICH IS ODD--

SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment--

Rachel: (entering with Ross) "Hi."

Monica: "Hello." (hugs Ross, kisses his cheek)

Ross: "Hey, hello."

(Rachel and Monica hug, Ross and Chandler hug)

Rachel: "Welcome home."

Ross: "So, how was the honeymoon?"

Monica: "It was great, it was great. But, what about you? I mean, you're having a baby!"

Rachel: "Oh, look, I have a sonogram picture." (pulls picture from her purse)

Monica: "Oh, good."

(Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel all hover over the picture)

Chandler: "Ross, it's got your wavy black lines."

Monica: "Alright, so, now that Ross knows, can you tell us, ya'know, how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?"

Phoebe: (approaches them) (to Monica) "Monica, that's not right." (to Rachel and Ross) "Start with 'where'."

Rachel: "Ok, well, it happened about six weeks ago… and I had just gotten home from work, and Ross was already there because I guess he's been hanging out with Joey."

Joey: (to Ross) "You're welcome buddy."

Ross: (like he's humoring Joey) "Yeah, thanks."

Rachel: "And so I had a lot of work to do and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out and then we had a little wine, and got to talking. The next thing you know, out of nowhere, Ross comes on to me."

Ross: "Um, that's, that's, a little misleading."

Rachel: "What is?"

Ross: "The lie you just told."

Rachel: "That, that you came on to me?"

Ross: "There's the one."

Rachel: "But you did. I mean, let's be honest."

Ross: "Yes, lets." (pause) "You know what, uh, it's not important. What's important is that we're having a baby." (gestures to Rachel's tummy) "It doesn't matter who came on to who."

Joey: "Whom." (everyone gives him odd looks) "That's right."

Rachel: "You know you kissed me first."

Ross: "Wha--what?! You were begging me to kiss you. You, you, you were sending me signals all over the place."

Rachel: "I was sending you signals?"

Ross: "Yeah."

Rachel: "Oh please. Ok, anyone in this room think that I would actually send Ross begging signals, please, show of hands." (Ross is the only one who raises his hand)

Ross: "You know what?! It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what people believe. What matters is what happened."

Rachel: "Ok, well, so, these signals, Ross, explain this to me cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?"

Ross: "You know what? You know what? Rachel, just, just drop it."

Rachel: "No, please-- show me how I begged you."

Ross: "I can show you! I have it on video tape!" (everyone reacts in unique ways) "It's an expression."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment--

(Phoebe, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are at the dining table)

Phoebe: "I can't believe he taped the two of them having sex."

Joey: "Yeah. You gotta tell a girl before you tape her." (pause) "Such a rookie mistake." (chuckles)

Chandler: "You know who has a great video camera?"

Phoebe: (scrunched up facial expression) "Greg and Jenny?"

Monica: "Do you still want to call them? I want to call them."

Chandler: "Let's call them."

Joey: "Yeah, ask them if they bought their friends any souvenirs."

Monica: (picks up phone and dials number) (into phone) "Hello? Eighth Street Deli?"

Joey: "Hey, hang up. You get food poisoning just talking to that place."

Monica: (into phone) "Uh, sorry, wrong number."

Chandler: "Here you go babe." (points at the number on the paper)

Monica: (dials the number again) (into phone) "Hello?" (listens a second) "It’s the Deli again!"

Joey: "Alright, I'll have a sandwich."

Monica: "I don't think this number's right."

(Joey and Phoebe laugh quietly)

Chandler: "What?"

Phoebe: "You got faked numbered."

Monica: "Wha--? People don’t do that."

Joey: "Oh, I think we do."

Monica: "They gave us a fake number? Why would they do that?"

Chandler: "I don’t know. You were a delight to talk to. You asked those insightful, great questions."

Monica: "And you've never been funnier. I mean-- Joke, joke, joke, joke. I mean, you were a hoot."

Joey: "You know what? Don't worry about it. You still got me and Phoebe."

Phoebe: "Excuse me, I don’t want Greg and Jenny's rejects."

(Ross enters)

Ross: "Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even open the door."

Phoebe: "Hmm, I wonder why… pervert."

Ross: "Ok, listen, I am not a pervert."

Phoebe: "That's like the pervert motto. Yeah, they have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants and repeat that."

Ross: "Look, filming Rachel was not something I planned. Ok, look, here's what happened, and Joey, you can back me up on this. Alright, about, about a month and a half ago remember I came to you with a problem? Um, uh, a personal thing?

Joey: "Personal--? What personal thing?"

Ross: "About-- about… sex." (Joey shakes his head slightly) "That I hadn't had sex in months."

Joey: (smiling) "Yeah, I knew what you were talking about."

SIX WEEKS EARLIER--

Joey's apartment, Joey is sitting on the recliner reading the back of a box of Waffle Crisp cereal--

Ross: (entering) "Hey."

Joey: "Hey." (still reading the box)

Ross: "Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about."

Joey: "Sure, yeah." (gets up off the recliner after putting the cereal box down) "How about, uh, you showering with your mom?"

Ross: "I actually had a topic in mind."

(Joey gestures for him to begin, then sits back on the recliner)

Ross: (sitting on a counter/bar stool) "I'm kinda going through a dry spell… sex-wise."

Joey: "Oh. For, like, months?"

Ross: "Five, to be… lying. Six."

Joey: "Six months? Whoa that's rough."

Ross: "Well, I mean, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the, uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird… and the color of the sky."

Joey: "The sky's blue Ross and I had sex yesterday."

Ross: "Please help me. I have a date tonight. It has to go well, ok? I'm scared for my health."

Joey: "Ok, ok. Um, oh. Oh, I got something. Ok, it's this story that I came up with. Very romantic. I swear, any woman that hears it, they're like putty."

Ross: "Really? Well, then tell it to me."

Joey: "Ok, now, you're going to want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember, it is just the story."

Ross: (forced) "I'll try to control myself."

Joey: "Ok…" (clears throat) (starts the story) "Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe…"

Ross: (interrupting the story) (chuckling) "You were backpacking across Western Europe?"

Joey: "Have a nice six more months Ross." (gets up off the recliner and heads for the kitchen)

Ross: Ok! Ok! Ok! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and…?"

Joey: (continuing story) "I was just outside of Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded and there were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. Gorgeous. And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself, but she was crying."

Ross: (a bit choked up) "Why?"

SCENE: Ross' apartment… on a date with a woman--

Date: (sipping wine) "Mmm… mmm… this is great wine."

Ross: "It's from France." (pause) "In Europe. Western Europe." (puts wine glass down) "You know, um, a few years ago, uh, actually I was backpacking across Western Europe. "

Date: "Really?"

Ross: "Mmm-hmm, wait. It gets better." (pause) "Um, yeah, I was in, um, Barcelona."

Date: "I studied for a year in Barcelona."

Ross: "Anyway, um, so I was, um, I was hiking--"

Date: (interrupting) "I love hiking!"

Ross: "Ahhhh! That's great!" (pause) "I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidabo…" (mispronounces it)

Date: "I think it's Tiba-DAH-bo…"

Ross: "Ok, do YOU want to tell the story?!"

SCENE: Joey's apartment, Ross enters--

Joey: "Whoa. What are you doing here? How'd your date go?"

Ross: "Great. I'm across the street having sex with her right now." (Joey looks confused) "Your story sucks!"

Joey: "Hey, look, if it didn't work it's cause you didn't tell it right." (Ross scoffs) "Show me how you did it."

Ross: "No. No. I don’t want to."

Joey: "How long since you've seen a girl naked?"

Ross: (starts story) "I was backpacking across Western Europe…"

Joey: "I'm not feeling it."

Ross: (continuing) "I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking…"

Joey: "No, no, no, Ross, I'm not hot! Are you hot?"

Ross: "It's been six months! I'm always hot!"

Joey: "Well, you're not selling the story. It's like-- it's like you don't believe it. Look, I've got to go. I've got a date. But, try this-- do what I do when I'm preparing for an audition, ok? I'll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself, and see what you're doing wrong." (goes into his room to get video camera)

Ross: "I'll try that."

Joey: (returns with video camera and sets it on small table near the recliner) "Alright, now…" (pushes buttons on the camera) "You're all set up. You're good to go. Just hit 'record' alright? Good luck."

Ross: "Thanks. And, hey, Joe, listen-- if you ever have any problems with the ladies you know I'll help you out."

Joey: (trying not to laugh) "That means a lot to me man." (leaves)

(Ross sighs as he pours a glass of wine, hits the 'record' button on the camera, sits on the recliner)

Ross: (to video camera) "Hello. Can I get you anything, huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery ok?" (Rachel enters and he stands abruptly) "Rachel?"

Rachel: "Oh, Ross."

Ross: "Hi."

Rachel: "Thank God you're here. You have to help me. Were you just talking to yourself?"

Ross: (looks at the video camera) "That's less embarrassing. Yes. Yes I was."

PRESENT TIME--

Monica and Chandler's apartment--

Ross: "So when she came in I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. It kept rolling and recorded everything."

Chandler: "Yeah, we're gonna need to see that tape."

Monica and Phoebe: "Yeah."

Ross: (sarcastically) "What a great idea. That'll get Rachel to forgive me."

Joey: "You know what? This is not fair to her. Let's just forget the tape."

Ross: "Thank you."

(Joey gestures to Ross that he should still show him the tape)

Ross: "No."

Joey: "You're right." (gestures silently again)

Ross: "Joey, no."

Joey: "Loud and clear." (gestures again)

(Ross grabs his coat and heads for the door)

SCENE: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are on the couch, Chandler is on the chair to the right--

Monica: "I still don’t get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number."

Joey: "Ya'know, if they knew what they were doing, they probably didn’t give you real names, either."

Monica: "Ok, maybe people give out fake numbers but they don’t give out fake names."

Joey: "Oh yeah?" (to Phoebe) "Hi, Ken Adams. Nice to meet you."

Phoebe: "Regina Phelangie." (shakes Joey's hand)

Chandler: "I just don’t get it. We didn’t do anything wrong.

Monica: "I know. Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes."

Chandler: "I thought you said those jokes were funny." (said with laughter) "Joke, joke, joke, joke."

Monica: (said with annoyance) "Joke, joke, blah, blah."

Chandler: "Well, maybe it was all your questions."

Monica: "What about my questions?"

Chandler: "The sheer volume. It was like flying with The Riddler!"

Monica: "Oh, I'm sorry, was that another joke?"

Chandler: (whispering) "Was that another question?"

Rachel: (entering) "Hey, is Ross still here?"

Joey: "Uh, no, Rach, he's gone, but listen-- he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.

Rachel: "Oh really? Well, how would you like it if I had sex with you, and I taped it?" (Joey smiles) "Oh, forget it."

(Ross enters)

Rachel: "Oh, there he is now, the father of my child the porn king of the west village."

Ross: "Look, it was an accident, ok? I feel bad that it happened but I swear I didn't even watch it. Anyway… here," (pulls the video tape out of his jacket pocket) "I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself." (tosses it to her)

Rachel: (she catches it) "Thank you."

(Rachel goes to step on it, everyone objects loudly with indiscernible words)

Rachel: "What?"

All: "You can't do it!" (and other indiscernible words)

Rachel: "You don't want to see this do you?"

Monica: "Hell yeah!"

Rachel: "I am not going to show you this."

Phoebe: "No, not the sex part. Just the stuff leading up to it."

(Joey and Chandler sit down, disappointed)

Ross: "Forget it. She's destroying it."

Phoebe: "Ok, fine! Fine! We'll just have to think of some other way to put the whole 'who came on to who' thing to rest. Come on now, think!"

Ross: "Look, forget it Phoebe, ok? It's Rachel's tape and she can do whatever she wants with it, and she wants to destroy it. So, end of story."

Rachel: "I want to see it."

Ross: "What?"

Rachel: "Clearly you don’t want people to see this tape. Now, I don’t want people to see this tape either but you so badly don’t want people to see it that it makes me want to see it, do you see?"

Joey: "Are we watching the tape or not?"

Ross: "I don’t want people to see it for your sake."

Rachel: "Oh, I don't believe you. I think you don’t want them to see you begging me."

Ross: "Rachel, please…"

Rachel: "Ah. A little preview."

Ross: "Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road because in about five minutes I'm gonna be saying: (laughing)"

(Ross walks away and sits on the arm of the couch near Phoebe, Rachel sits next to Monica on the couch)

Rachel: "Ok, here we go…" (clicks on the tape)

(we see on the tape that it starts with Ross talking to the camera)

Joey: (giddily) "I'm so happy."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment, all are watching the infamous videotape--

(on tape)

Rachel: "Oh, thank God you're here Ross. I need you to help me. Were you just talking to yourself?"

(present time)

Rachel: (RE: herself on the tape) "Yup, there I am."

Phoebe: (singsong) "You're gonna get pregnant."

(on tape)

Rachel: "I screwed up so bad. I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like, weeks ago, and I…"

Ross: "You didn’t do it?"

Rachel: "I, I, I, had put them in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today

(present time)

Monica: "Sweetie, sweetie, it's ok. Everybody made it to the wedding. I'm fine." (holds Rachel's hand)

Rachel: "Kind of hurting my hand though."

Monica: "I know."

(on tape)

Rachel: "I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it. 'Ok, Rachel. Here are the invitations, Rachel. Now be very careful, Rachel. Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations, Rachel.' Whoa…" (starts to hold her wine glass full of wine precariously over the invitations) "Oh, oh, oh… oh, oh, oh, oh…"

(present time)

(Rachel starts to fast forward the tape)

Chandler: "Did you do it on our invitations?"

Ross: "Not on the ones we sent out."

Chandler: "Oh, so, just the ones you gave back to us and we had framed?" (presents a framed invitation and sets it heavily on the coffee table, then makes a disgusted look)

(on tape)

Rachel: "Can you believe this is already happening? I mean, it seems like yesterday they just got engaged."

Ross: "I know. Hey, remember… remember the night they got engaged? How you and I almost…"

Rachel: "Oh, I remember how we almost…" (pause) "Do you think we would've gone through with it? You know, if we hadn't gotten caught. Do you think we would've done it?"

Ross: "I mean I… I know I wanted to, I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to."

Rachel: "Oh, I wanted to."

Ross: "So we… we both wanted to."

Rachel: "Interesting."

Ross: "Mm." (pause) "Anyway, um… probably worked out for the best…"

Rachel: "Yeah, sure."

(present time)

Rachel: "Ok, in about ten seconds you're going to see him kiss me."

Ross: " And in about five seconds you're going to see why."

(on tape)

Rachel: "Ross, did I ever tell you about the time I went backpacking through Western Europe…?"

(present time)

Joey gasps, everyone smiles and gives knowing looks--

Rachel: "Ok, get ready to see some begging."

Phoebe: "Oh, you came on to Ross!"

Rachel: "What?"

Ross: "Now I'M so happy."

Rachel: "What are you talking about?"

Monica: "You used the Europe story!"

Chandler: "That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex!"

Rachel: "How do you know about that story?"

Joey: "How do YOU know about that story?"

Rachel: "I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy!"

Joey: (raises hand) "Some guy!"

Rachel: "No, no. She told me that his name was Ken Adams."

Joey: (raises hand and points to self) "Ken Adams!"

SCENE: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is at the counter--

Ross enters--

Ross: "Hi."

Rachel: "So, apparently, people are familiar with the Europe story?"

Ross: "Yeah, listen, about that, the whole 'who came on to who' thing really doesn’t matter. I mean, I think it would've happened either way. I mean, if you hadn't initiated it I know I would have."

Rachel: "It was an amazing night."

Ross: "It was. It was an amazing night."

Rachel: "Do you think it looked amazing?"

Ross: "I don't know. I mean, I honestly didn't watch it.

Rachel: "Yeah, me neither… yet."

Ross: "Uh, that, that, may be weird."

Rachel: "Yeah, it would be really weird."

(Ross grabs the tape, Rachel locks the door)

Ross: "Good luck."

Rachel: "Good luck to you."

(the tape starts)

Ross: "Mind if I mute?"

Rachel: "Oh, please."

(watching the tape)

Ross: "Oh, there, there go the clothes."

Rachel: "You are undressing awfully quickly."

Ross: "Six months Rachel, six months."

Rachel: "Right."

(both sigh)

Ross/Rachel: "Hey." "Huh."

Ross: "We, we look pretty good."

Rachel: "I was going to say."

Ross: "Whoa, nice tan."

Rachel: "Thank you. I had just gone to the beach that weekend."

Ross: "Ah."

Rachel: "Oh, have you been working out?"

Ross: "I had been working out."

Rachel: "Well, this is so much better than I ever…"

Both: "Oh." (pause) "Eww."

Ross: "Oh, that's not pretty."

Rachel: "Oh. Oh, oh, God."

Ross: "Oh, no."

Rachel: "Oh, make it stop."

Ross: "No, no!"

Rachel: "Make it stop."

(both heading for the VCR)

Ross: "No, no!"

Rachel: "Make it stop!"

Ross: "No!"

TAG SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment--

Monica: (on the phone) "Hello Greg? Hi, this is Monica from the plane? Listen, the number that you gave me, uh, 853-5--" (to Chandler) "That is their old number! Jenny's been giving it out since they moved!

Chandler: "Jenny! That is so Jenny!"

Monica: (into phone) "Hey, listen, how would you like to get together, say, next Saturday?" (listens) "Ok, how about Sunday?" (listens) "Ok, um, the week after that?" (listens) "The week after that?" (listens) "You know what Greg? You know what, we are good, interesting, funny people with good questions! And if you and your precious Jenny can't see that then--" (listens) "January 15th." (Chandler raises his hands excitedly) "We'll see you then! Ok!" (Chandler and Monica hug)

-END-