Friends - Venner For Livet

The One With Rachel's Date

SCENE: Monica's restaurant, in the kitchen, she's racing around doing her job--

Monica: (handing plates to waitress) (sounding rushed) "Ok, now this one is rare. This one is medium well. Now, go, go, go!" (Phoebe enters) "Hey Phoebe!"

Phoebe: (sounding as rushed as Monica) "Hey!"

Monica: (still sounding rushed) "Hey how was dinner?!"

Phoebe: (still sounding rushed) "Dinner was good! Just saying hi! Now I'm gonna go!" (turns to leave, sees the sous-chef) (normal voice) "Well, hello there."

Chef: "Hi."

Phoebe: (to Monica) "I didn't see this on the menu."

Monica: "Oh, uh, Tim, this is Phoebe, Phoebe this is Tim my new sous-chef."

Phoebe: (shaking Tim's hand) (to Tim) "Oh, so you're Monica's boss?"

Tim: "Actually, she's my boss. 'Sous' is French for 'under'."

Phoebe: "Ah! I 'sous'-stand."

Monica: "Hey, Tim, I need a Calamari and a Caesar salad, and um, could you get me the pesto."

Tim: "Yeah."

Phoebe: "You- you made pesto?"

Tim: "Yes I did."

Phoebe: "Would you say your pesto is the best-o?"

Tim: "I- I don't know. But I- I would say it's pretty good-o."

(Phoebe laughs)

Monica: (taking the pesto from Tim) "Alright, I still need the Calamari and the Caesar salad."

Tim: (to Phoebe) "I like your necklace."

Phoebe: "Oh, I made it myself."

Tim: "You are so talented."

Phoebe: "Well, it's no pesto."

Monica: (to Tim & Phoebe) "Alright, alright… let's just cut to the chase. Ok? (to Phoebe) "You're single." (to Tim) "You're single." (to Phoebe) "He gets off work at 11:00." (to Tim) "She'll be waiting for your call." (to Phoebe) "I'll give him your number," (to Tim) "If I could just get one Calamari and one Caesar salad!" (turns around and all the kitchen staff is looking at her) "I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar."

OPENING CREDITS

**SCENE: Chandler's office, Chandler is at his desk, his door is open, boss-type person walks by--

Boss: "Wow, Bing. Burning the midnight oil."

Chandler: "You know me sir." (gives 2 thumbs up) "Oh, uh, I do have a question for you. Do you know how I can get around the office computer network so I can access the really good internet porn?"

Boss: (laughing) "You're a joker Bing." (walks away)

Chandler: (looks confused) "What's funny about that?"

(Ross enters)

Ross: "Hey, sorry I kept you waiting so long."

Chandler: "Hey, that's ok." (gets up) "So, where do you want to go?"

Ross: "Oh, uh, I think you know where I want to go."

Chandler: "The Hard Rock Café?"

Ross: "Yeah."

Chandler: "Again?"

Ross: "Yeah!"

(they both leave Chandler's office, seconds later they are in the hall, heading for the elevator)

Ross: "I'm telling you, I like the food."

Chandler: "You like the 'Purple Rain' display." (co-worker walks by) "Hey, Bob."

Bob: (to Chandler) "Hey Toby! Have a good night."

Ross: "Did that guy just call you Toby?"

Chandler: "Yeah, he thinks that's my name."

Ross: "Well, why don’t you correct him?"

Chandler: "Oh, it's been going on way too long now. I mean, the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway so I didn’t say anything and then the next time he said 'Hey, Toby, you want a donut?'… and I- I wanted the donut. And now it's five years later, the donut's gone and I'm still Toby."

Ross: "Five years?! Chandler. You have to tell him."

Chandler: "No. That would be so awkward. Look, besides, we work in different departments. He's on the 6th floor, ya'know? So he calls be Toby once in a while. What's the big deal? It could be worse. It's not like he's calling me Muriel." (gets an odd look on his face)

Ross: (chuckling slightly) "Muriel. Why would he call you Muriel? (Ross & Chandler exchange looks) "Oh my God. Chandler M. Bing? It's not just an 'M' your middle name is Muriel!"

Chandler: (looking around to see if anyone overheard Ross) "Ssshhh! It is a family name."

Ross: "Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never even gave you a chance, did they?" (pats his shoulder)

**SCENE: Set of 'Days of our Lives' (DOOL), Rachel is watching Joey film a scene on the monitor--

DOOL actor: "Drake, I've discovered the reason for all your headaches and memory loss."

Joey as Drake: "What is it?"

DOOL actor: "Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica's brain."

Joey as Drake: "Is it serious?"

DOOL actor: "Not if we extract tissue from the original host's body, synthesize antibodies, and introduce them into your system which could stop it from rejecting the brain."

Joey as drake: "Well, that sounds simple enough. Let's just do that."

DOOL actor: "We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica's body… it was gone."

Director: (off camera) "Cut! Very nice people!"

Joey: (approaches Rachel) "Ok, let me just get changed and then we can go to dinner."

Rachel: (stutters) "Well, what happened to Jessica's body?"

Joey: "I'm not telling. You'll have to see it on TV."

Rachel: "You don't know, do you?"

Joey: "No. Couldn't care less."

DOOL actor: "Hey, good scene man."

Joey: "Hey, you too."

DOOL actor: "Alright."

(Rachel clears throat)

Joey: (to Rachel) "What? You weren't in it." (Rachel gestures to the actor) "Oh, sorry. Uh, Kash, this is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel."

Rachel: "Hi."

Kash: "Hi." (shakes Rachel's hand) "How come I haven't seen you here before?"

Rachel: "Well, Joey, probably just thinks I'll embarrass him. He thinks I'm some kind of a soap opera nut. Which I'm not. I'm not." (laughs) "Although I do know that your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. And, uh, and that your dog's name is Wally." (pause as she realizes) "Well, look at that I'm just stroking your arm."

Joey: (grabs Rachel's arm) "Here we go! Here we go!"

Rachel: "Oh, we're leaving. Bye Kash."

Kash: "Bye."

Rachel: "Say hi to Wally."

**SCENE: Central Perk, Monica is at the counter, Phoebe enters--

Phoebe: "Ooh, Monica…"

Monica: "Hi."

Phoebe: "Oh, my God. I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet. Oh, I can't wait to get 'sous'-neath him."

Monica: "Uh… I- I have to fire him."

Phoebe: "But why?"

Monica: "Because he's terrible, ok? He's slow. He burns things. Last night he lit my pastry chef on fire."

Phoebe: "Maybe he was just nervous. You know, you can be very intimidating. Besides, I've met your pastry chef and she could stand to be taken down a peg or 2."

Monica: "Well, now she has no eyebrows. Mission accomplished." (walks to couch)

Phoebe: (follows Monica) "But, Monica, he loves his job so much. Can't you just give him another chance? Please?"

Monica: "Alright. But if he lights someone else on fire he is out of there!"

Phoebe: "That's fair! Thank you so much. Thanks." (pause) "Ooops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too." (RE: Monica's hair)

Monica: "I paid to have this done."

Phoebe: "Love it!"

**SCENE: Rachel and Joey's apartment, Rachel is at the counter, Joey enters-

Joey: "Hey."

Rachel: "Hi."

Joey: "Oh, ya'know, Kash really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming."

Rachel: "Ah! I thought I was a complete idiot!"

Joey: "Hey, I'm with you. He even asked me if I thought you'd go out with him."

Rachel: "Oh! Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up a little bit." (puts hand on abdomen) "What did you say?"

Joey: "I said no." (starts to walk towards his bedroom)

Rachel: (gasps) "What?!"

Joey: (stutters) "Well, I just figured since you're pregnant you're not going to be seeing people."

Rachel: "Ok, Joey, First of all, Kash Ford-- not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?"

Joey: "I didn't tell him. I didn't know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people."

Rachel: "Good, good, don't tell him. Don't tell him. Just have him call me, ok?"

Joey: "Rach, look, I really don't think that's such a great--"

Rachel: "Ok, you go do it! I'll come back to that set! I will meet more actors! I'll meet 'em all!"

Joey: (starts to enter his room) "Yep."

**SCENE: Chandler's office building, near the elevators, Bob is there, Chandler enters scene-

Chandler: "Hey Bob."

Bob: "Hey, how's my pal Toby doing today?"

Chandler: "If I see him I'll ask."

Bob: (laughing) "Toby…" (sounds like 'such a kidder' through his laughter)

Chandler: (at same time Bob is laughing) "No, no, no, no…"

(Boss gets off elevator, Bob gets on)

Boss: "Hey, hey… hey… was that Bob from 6th you were just talking to?"

Chandler: "Yeah, that was him."

Boss: "Well, then you know each other."

Chandler: "We're on a semi-first name basis."

Boss: "What do you think of adding him to our team?"

Chandler: "Bob? Ooo, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don’t know if he has what it takes."

Boss: "Really? They love him down on 6th."

Chandler: "But this is 11. It's almost twice as hard up here."

Boss: "Ok, I hear ya loud and clear. Bob will stay put."

Chandler: "I think it's best sir."

Boss: "But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I have a stack of documents on my desk this high." (makes a gesture as to the height of the documents)

Chandler: "You know what you should do? Just toss them in the shredder and claim you never got them."

Boss: (chuckles) "That's a good one Bing." (walks away)

Chandler: "What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?" (grabs briefcase and walks off)

**SCENE: Monica & Chandler's apartment, Monica is there, Phoebe enters-

Phoebe: "Hey."

Monica: "Ok, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go."

Phoebe: "But--"

Monica: "No, no. He is totally incompetent. I mean, I called the chef who recommended him to me, he said 'Ha, ha. Gotcha'."

Phoebe: "Ok, ok, but you can't fire him today."

Monica: "Why not?"

Phoebe: "Because I'm dumping him today."

Monica: "Wha--? You said he was so sweet."

Phoebe: (goes to fridge to get water) "He IS sweet. He's TOO sweet. He calls me all the time! 'Did you get home from work ok? Did you get out of the shower ok?'"

Monica: "Well, just don't pick up your phone."

Phoebe: "Then he comes over. 'I was so worried about you…' Ugh! Be a man!"

Monica: "Wha-- So now I'm not allowed to fire him?"

Phoebe: "You can't fire a man and dump him in the same day! He'll kill himself!"

Monica: "Ok, well then I'll fire him today and you go out with him for another week."

Phoebe: "Are you kidding?! Another week with that simp?! I'LL kill MYself."

Monica: "Ok, well then we'll both do it today, and he'll just have to deal with it."

Phoebe: "Ok. But the question is, who's gonna go first? Cause whoever goes second is the bitch."

Monica: "What do you mean?"

Phoebe: "C'mon! The boss that fires a guy that's just been dumped - bitch! And the woman who dumps the guy that's just been fired - blonde bitch."

Monica: "I wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first."

Phoebe: "Ugh… that makes sense." (puts her face in her hands, heads slowly for the door) "Ugh… but… screw you I'm going first!" (runs out)

**SCENE: Chandler's office building-

Bob: "Hey, Toby, you got a sec?"

Chandler: "Sure. What's up?"

Bob: "I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out it's not going to happen. Apparently somebody thinks I'm not 11th floor material." (Chandler looks uncomfortable) "Say, who the hell is this Chandler?"

**SCENE: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is reading a comic book in his recliner, Rachel enters from her bedroom-

Rachel: "Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight? Um, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm a Mormon. Or I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk?"

Ross: (enters with pizza and beer) "Hey."

Rachel/Joey: "Hi." "Hey."

Ross: "So… what do you want to do tonight? There's a Ukranian film at the Angelica that is supposed to be very powerful. Interested?"

Joey: "No. No. But I'll go see a normal-person movie with you."

Ross: "Rach? You wanna come?"

Rachel: "Oh, no, I can't. I got a date."

Ross: "A date?"

Rachel: "Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you?"

Ross: (slight stutter) "No, it's the opposite of weird. It's uh, regular. It's- it's uh… it's mundane. It's actually, uh, a little dull."

Joey: "It's no Ukranian film, I'll tell ya."

Rachel: "Oh! Earrings!" (walks off to her room)

Ross: (to Joey) "A date? She's got a date? With who?"

Joey: "I set her up with this actor on my show."

Ross: "YOU set her up?"

Joey: "No."

Ross: "Joey, what were you thinking?"

Joey: "I was thinking that it would probably be ok cause Ross hasn't gone out with Rachel in 5 years."

Ross: "Joey, I'm not worried about HER I'm worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now where is this" (air quotes) "actor taking them?"

Joey: "Hey! I'm an" (air quotes) "actor too!" (pause) "I'm not sure, I think they're taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island."

Ross: "A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry. Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?"

Joey: "Aren't we talking about those big boats that carry cars and go like 5 MPH?"

Ross: "Why don't they just jump out of an airplane? Huh? That's a fun date. Or burn each other with matches. That's fun too. Woo!"

(knocking at door, Joey answers it)

Kash: "Hey Joey."

(they shake hands)

Joey: "Hey Kash. Hey, this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash."

Ross: "Hey." (shakes Kash's hand)

Kash: "Hey."

Ross: "Hey, I hear you're going on a ferry tonight. A bit of a daredevil are we?"

Rachel: (enters from bedroom) "Hey, guys, do you think this is too slutty--? Hi Kash."

Kash: "Hey Rachel. You ready to go?"

Rachel: "Yeah. Alright, I'll see you guys later."

Ross: "K. have a great time you guys."

Rachel: (softly in passing as she leaves) "Thank you."

Ross: "Yes it is TOO SLUTTY!"

(Joey slams the door)

**SCENE: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch reading a book, Tim enters-

Tim: (sneaks up on her and says softly in her ear) "Hi."

Phoebe: (gasps in surprise) "Hi."

Tim: "I'm so glad you called. I feel like it's always ME calling YOU. So, what's up? Is everything ok with Phoebe?"

Phoebe: "It will be… in a minute. Listen, Tim, you're a really great guy--"

Tim: "It's because I'm with you." (places his hand on hers)

Phoebe: "Awww…" (he looks away briefly and she makes a face like she's gagging) "I'm just- I'm in a place in my life right now where I- I--"

(Tim's beeper goes off)

Tim: "Ooops. So sorry." (takes beeper off his belt and holds it to his mouth while putting a finger in his ear) "This just in." (Phoebe forces a laugh) "Oh, it's 911 from the restaurant. That means Monica needs me right away." (gets up)

Phoebe: "Oh, no she doesn't! I know what that is, you can stay."

Tim: "Awww… I'll miss you too Pheebs. And I'll be holding you" (puts hands over his heart) "right here." (kisses his hands and blows the kiss to Phoebe)

(as Tim leaves Phoebe throws the kiss back at him)

**SCENE: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Ross is sitting at the counter, Joey grabs a beer from the fridge-

Joey: "So, what movie do you want to see? And not another one I have to read, ok? I get enough of that from books."

Ross: "Books?"

Joey: "Alright, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it's like, enough!"

Ross: "Well, I'll tell ya what, why don’t we, uh- why don’t we just stay here? Let's not see a movie. We'll just hang."

Joey: "And just wait for Rachel to come back from her date?"

Ross: "Hey, if that's what you want to do I'm not gonna say no."

Joey: "Dude, what is going on?"

Ross: "I just- I have to find out how it went."

Joey: "Why?"

Ross: "This guy could be my baby's stepfather."

Joey: "They go out on one date and you're worried about them getting married? He's not you!"

Ross: (gets up) "I just- I can't believe- she's- she's dating?

Joey: "Well, Ross, what did you think she was gonna do?"

Ross: "I don't know!" (pause) "I guess I just can't believe any of this is happening."

Joey: "What do you mean?"

Ross: "It's just that, I always thought when I had another kid it would be different. I love Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at Carol and Susan's… It's like, it breaks my heart a little. I mean, I always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on Sunday and my kid comes running in, and leaps up onto the bed, and we all read the paper together. Ya'know? Maybe fight over the science section."

Joey: "That’s a nice picture. Maybe you can still have that."

Ross: "No. No I can't. I mean, Rachel's out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away." (sits on recliner)

Joey: (sits on the table beside the recliner) "Hey, can I ask you something? In this- in this picture of you and your wife… is your wife Rachel?"

Ross: "It used to be. Now- now she doesn't really have a face. Smokin body though."

Joey: "Good call. But, the face Ross- the face isn't Rachel."

Ross: "No, but… how much easier would it be if it were?"

Joey: "I know… I don't think that's what she wants…"

Ross: "No, it's not what I want either. I mean, I can't force myself to fall in love with her again."

Joey: "Ok, Ross, maybe- you need a new picture, ok? It's not gonna be what you thought… But no matter what… there's gonna be a brand new little baby. Your baby. Who cares what the picture looks like?"

Ross: "Yeah."

Joey: "Hey, tell ya what, let's you and me go out and have some fun, huh? Whatever you want. C'mon."

Ross: (checks watch) "We can still catch that Ukranian film."

Joey: "No, I said fun."

**SCENE: Chandler's office building-

Bob: (to Chandler) "Hey Toby."

Chandler: "Hey Bobby."

Bob: "It's Bob actually. Hey, you work up here… can you tell me where this Chandler Bing's office is?"

Chandler: "Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's" (points down the hall, when Toby looks where he's pointing, he slides his name plate off his office door, then continues to point down the hall) "It's right, right um, right there. Yeah. Can I ask you, why?"

Bob: "I wanna talk to that bastard. See what his problem is."

Chandler: "Ok Bob, listen, uh… I'm the reason you didn't get the job up here."

Bob: "Toby, don't."

Chandler: "Bob…"

Bob: "Toby. I'm not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler."

Chandler: "Well, that puts me in a difficult position."

**SCENE: Monica's restaurant kitchen, Monica is there, Tim enters-

Tim: "I got your page. Is everything ok?"

Monica: "Uh, well, that's depends. How are things with Phoebe?"

Tim: "Oh, it's great. It's great. Thank you so much for introducing us!"

Monica: "Oh, my pleasure." (seems too happy for someone who's about to fire someone) "Ok, I'm afraid I have some bad news!" (Phoebe enters) "Phoebe!"

Phoebe: "Monica!"

Monica/Phoebe: (to Tim) "You're fired!" "I'm breaking up with you!"

Tim: "What?"

Phoebe: "I'm- I'm breaking up with you."

Monica; "You're fired."

Tim: "Why?"

Phoebe: "I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

Monica: "And I'm sorry too, but, well, I just, I like things done a certain way, and the chemistry's just not right."

Phoebe: "Ooo, that's good. The chemistry thing for us too."

Tim: "Wow." (chuckles) "Um, ok. Um…" (to Phoebe) "I- I- I realize I came on a little strong… but it's only cause I think you're so amazing." (to Monica) "And uh, I just, uh, I wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity her because… you're the most talented chef I've ever worked for." (pause) "Anyway…" (walks towards the door)

Monica: "Tim, wait."

Tim: "Yeah?"

Monica: "Um… I think I spoke too quickly. There's a learning curve with this job, and… maybe we could try it again."

Tim: "Really?"

Monica: "Yeah."

Tim: "Thank you so much, cause I know- I know I can be better."

Monica: "Ok."

Phoebe: "And Tim, I just wanna say good luck here." (shakes his hand and leaves)

**SCENE: Streets of New York, Ross is out walking and runs into Rachel-

Ross: "Hello."

Rachel: "Hi."

Ross: (slight chuckle) "How was the date?"

Rachel: "Well, I'm alone, and I just bought $15 worth of candy bars, what do you think?"

Ross: "Huh. What happened?"

Rachel: "I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant."

Ross: "Ah, he didn't take it so well?"

Rachel: "Well, better than you. But, ya'know, still not what you want."

Ross: "Oh?"

Rachel: "Yeah, he got all weird and sputtery, and then he said, uh… 'Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch.'"

Ross: (sarcastically) "He sounds swell."

Rachel: "Doesn't he?"

Ross: "Hey, you want, uh, you want a little cheering up?"

Rachel: "Yes."

Ross: "Sit down." (they both sit on nearby steps) "Guess who's middle name is Muriel."

Rachel: (gives it thought, gasps) "Chandler M. Bing."

Ross: "Yeah-huh."

Rachel: "Oh my God." (chortles)

Ross: "I'm sorry about your date."

Rachel: "It's alright. I guess I'm just done with the whole dating thing. Just one more thing in my life that is suddenly completely different. This is hard."

Ross: "Yeah, I know." (pause) "On the other hand, in um, in about 7 months, you're going to have something that you're going to love more than any guy you have ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait until, uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs your finger. You have no idea."

Rachel: "Aw, sweetie…" (puts her hand on his knee)

Ross: "You- you wanna grab some coffee?"

Rachel: "Oh, no, I think I'm gonna go home and eat 10 candy bars."

Ross: "Hey, I thought I cheered you up."

Rachel: "Oh, you did! There are 20 in here."

Ross: "Right." (pause) "Night." (kisses Rachel's cheek)

Rachel: "Night."

(Ross walks off, she watches him)

Ross enters Central Perk--

Mona: "Ross?"

Ross: "Yeah?"

Mona: "Hey, it's Mona. From the wedding."

Ross: "Oh, hi."

Mona: "Hi."

Ross: "Wow. Oh, uh, how are you?"

Mona: "I'm good, except, um… you still owe me a dance."

Ross: "Oh, that's right."

Mona: "Mmm."

Ross: "Oh, well, uh, would you be interested in seeing a Ukranian film?"

Mona: (laughs) "Oh, you're serious. Sure."

(Rachel pokes her head in the door)

Ross: "Great, well, uh…"

Mona: "I think I might need one more cup of coffee."

Ross: "Sure, uh, let me get it for you."

Mona: "Ok."

(Rachel leaves)

DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF RICHARD L. COX, SR.

**TAG SCENE: Chandler's office, Bob is there trashing it-

Chandler: "Bob. Bob! BOB!" (Bob looks at him) "What the hell are you doing?"

Bob: "I just found out this is Chandler's office! C'mon Toby, gimmee a hand!"

Chandler thinks for a moment, then nods and helps Bob trash the office.

-END-