Friends - Venner For Livet

The One With The Stripper

SCENE: Central Perk, Monica & Chandler are sitting on the couch, Joey is sitting in the chair beside the couch, Rachel and Phoebe are standing near the counter--

Rachel: "Hey Pheebs?"

Phoebe: "Huh?"

Rachel: "I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow night… do you wanna come?"

Phoebe: "Sure. Yeah, he's kinda sexy."

Rachel: "Oh no. No, I'll be there to."

Phoebe: "Ok, so we'll just come up with some kind of signal. If it's going well, you can take off."

Rachel: "No, Phoebe, I just need you there for support. I haven't told him that I'm pregnant yet."

Phoebe: "Oh. Why not?"

Rachel: "Because I know he's gonna flip out, and I hate it when he gets angry."

Phoebe: "Oh, Rachel, this is all so 'Papa don't preach'."

Rachel: "What? Phoebe, wait a minute, he's a scary guy! I mean, one time he caught me smoking and he said if he ever saw me doing that again he would make me eat the entire pack."

Phoebe: "Wow. Oh, alright I will be there."

Rachel: "Ok."

Phoebe: "Gosh, I'm not gonna let that man make you eat your baby."

(Phoebe and Rachel join Monica and Chandler on the couch)

Phoebe: (sees a man she recognizes enter) "Oh hey, who is that guy? I think I know him."

Monica: (sees the man) (anxious) "No you don't."

Rachel: (sees the man) (anxious) "No you don't."

Phoebe: "Oh my God! Monica, he's the stripper from your bachelorette party!"

Chandler: (shocked) "Her what?"

Phoebe: (scolds herself) "Your secret bachelorette party."

Chandler: (to Monica) (upset) "You had a bachelorette party?"

Phoebe: "She untied his g-string with her teeth!" (realizes she's still talking about it) "Somebody stop me!"

Chandler: "I thought we weren't gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y'know, we agreed it was a silly tradition."

Joey: (defensive) "It's a grand tradition!"

Monica: "I'm sorry. They surprised me. There was nothing I could do."

Rachel: "Well, you could have untied it with your hands."

Monica: "Oh."

Joey: "This is so unfair. The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party. Oh, but I wasn't allowed to! All we got was a stupid steak dinner."

Chandler: "You went home with the waitress."

Joey: (remembers) "Oh yeah. That was a pretty good night."

Chandler: "I can't believe you didn't tell me. You know that the 2 pillars of marriage are openness and honesty."

Monica: "Oh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass."

OPENING CREDITS

**SCENE: Some posh restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Dr Green are at dinner--

Dr Green: "How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?"

Phoebe: "Oh, I don't eat meat."

Dr Green: "It's chicken."

Phoebe: Yeah, I don't eat that either."

Dr Green: "I'll never understand you lesbians." (to Rachel) "So baby, tell me, what's new with you?"

Rachel: "Well, actually, umm…"

Waiter: "Your '74 La'fete sir."

Dr Green: "Seventy-four? I ordered the '75. That's a magnificent wine, the '74 is sewage. Why would you bring me sewage? Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?"

Waiter: (almost in tears) "This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight." (leaves)

Dr Green: "Oh, come on." (gets up to follow him) "Don't be such a baby."

Rachel: (to Phoebe) "Incase you didn't notice, that is a scary man."

Phoebe: "He's right though, the '74 is absolute piss."

Rachel: "This was such a huge mistake. I can't tell him Phoebe. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't."

Phoebe: "Rachel…"

Rachel: "No it's ok. This is what's gonna happen: I'm gonna wait a couple of years and then the baby will tell him."

Phoebe: "Why? So he can get mad at the baby?"

Rachel: "Hey, that is the baby's problem."

(Dr Green joins them again)

Rachel: "Oh, everything ok with the waiter?"

Dr Green: "I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is, uh, what is new with you."

Rachel: "Well… uhhmm… I got Tivo."

Dr Green: "What's Tivo?"

Phoebe: "It's slang for pregnant."

Rachel: "Phoebe!"

Dr Green: "Are you really pregnant?"

Rachel: "Well, uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah."

Dr Green: "Who is the father? Oh, no, please don't tell me it's her." (looks at Phoebe briefly)

Rachel: "Uh, no, it's Ross. It's Ross. You like Ross!" (Dr Green makes an odd face) "Oh daddy, I hope you're ok with all of this. I mean, think about it, this is a good thing! You're… this is your first grandchild. You're gonna be a poppy!"

Dr Green: "That's true."

Rachel: "Yeah."

Dr Green: "I'm gonna be a poppy. (becomes choked up) "I'm gonna be a pappy." (composes himself) "So, when is the wedding?"

Rachel: "The who?"

Dr Green: "The wedding? There's going to be a wedding. Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard." (angry) "Rachel Karen Green! Tell me there's gonna be a wedding!"

Rachel: (panicked) "February 2nd."

**SCENE: Ross, Mona, Chandler, & Joey in Central Perk--

Mona: "So, it was really cool seeing you lecture today."

Ross: "Oh, thanks. Although, uh, it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little."

Mona: "Oh, no, no I- I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate, and, you know, take it all in."

Ross: "Yeah, a lot of my students do that."

Mona: "Mmm…" (nods in agreement) "So, uh, I gotta get going."

Ross: Oh, ok. I'll see you tonight?"

Mona: "Yeah."

Ross: "Ok."

(they kiss goodbye, Mona gets up to leave)

Mona: "Oh, hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing."

(Ross smiles & nods, Mona leaves)

Chandler: "My God you must be good in bed."

Joey: "So, you and Mona. It's been a while now, how's it going?"

Ross: "Uh, it's good- uh, it's going good. I mean, we get along great. She's- she's so…"

Joey: "Hot!"

Ross: "Well, I was gonna say sweet, but, Yeah-huh!"

Chandler: "And she's ok with Rachel and the baby."

Ross: "Well I- I haven't actually told her yet. I don't wanna scare her off, y'know?"

Chandler: "Well, you have to be honest with her, otherwise, you may think that you're going down the same path, but you're really going down different ones."

Joey: (irritated) "I'm gonna take that book and beat you to death with it."

(Monica enters)

Monica: "Oh my God, you are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight, you're gonna have a bachelor party."

Chandler: "What?"

Monica: "I got this number from this guy at work, and I hired a stripper to dance for you! Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?"

Chandler: "Honey, that's crazy. I don't want you to get me a stripper."

Joey: (irritated) "Would you let the lady talk!"

Monica: "C'mon! C'mon, it'll be fun. It'll make me feel so much better."

Chandler: "Look, I appreciate it, but it's a little creepy, ya'know, I'm not a bachelor anymore."

Monica: "So, don't think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a- a 2 month anniversary present."

Ross: "Sure, one year is paper but 2 months is lap dance."

Monica: "Please? I feel so bad. Just watch the hot woman get naked."

Chandler: "Alright, fine... but I'm only doing this for you."

Joey: (excited) "Yeah!"

Chandler: "And Joey."

Monica: "Thank you. Alright, who else do you wanna invite?"

Chandler: "Uh, no, no, no, just Ross- Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough."

Ross: "Uh, actually, sorry, uh, I can't even make it. I'm seeing Mona again tonight."

Chandler: "I understand. I mean, who would cancel an actual date just to go to a fake bachelor party?"

Joey: (on the phone) "I'm sorry, I gotta cancel tonight baby."

(Chandler, Ross, & Monica look to him, he gives them a 'thumbs-up')

**SCENE: Posh restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are alone at the table--

Phoebe: "I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding but I'm- I'm really busy that day. I- I already have a unicorn Baptism and a leprechaun Barmitzvah."

Rachel: "I know, I know, I panicked. I panicked. I didn't want him to start yelling at me like I was some '74 Le'tour."

Phoebe: "It's La'fete, the '74 Le'tour is actually drinking quite nicely."

Rachel: (sees Dr Green on the way back to the table) "Alright, here he comes. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna be strong."

Dr Green: "I just called a friend of mine, I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice."

Rachel: (excited) "Really? The Plaza? Oh, daddy." (she hugs him, sees Phoebe giving her a look, breaks the hug) "Right, daddy, I need to talk to you. Please sit down."

Dr Green: "What is it sweetie?"

Rachel: "There's not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married."

Dr Green: "What?"

Rachel: "I'm sorry daddy."

Dr Green: "I don't believe this!"

Rachel: "I know, but daddy, stay calm, please."

Dr Green: (angry) "Stay calm?! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why. Is it because that punk Ross won't marry you? That's it- is that it?"

Rachel: (flustered) "Yes, he said I'm damaged goods."

(Phoebe reacts, shocked)

**SCENE: Chandler & Monica's apartment, Chandler & Joey are waiting for the stripper to arrive--

Joey: "So, you uh, nervous about getting married?"

Chandler: "What're you doing?"

Joey: "Look, let's pretend that it's a real bachelor party. You know, before your wedding. It'll be more fun."

Chandler: "Alright." (deadpan) "I can't believe tomorrow is the big day."

Joey: "How's it feel knowing that you're never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing you're gonna have to wake up to the same face every day until you finally have the sweet release of death."

Chandler: (pause) "You're right, this is more fun."

(knock at door)

Joey: "That's her! Ok, come on."

(they answer the door together)

Stripper: "Hi."

Chandler: "Hi."

(Joey blows on his party favor)

Stripper: "So, which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?"

Joey: (excited) "Uh- uh, that's- that's me."

Chandler: (calmly) "That's me."

Joey: "Joey Tribbiani. Big fan."

Stripper: "So, is there a bedroom?"

Chandler: "Yeah, yeah, right over there."

Stripper: "Alright, whenever you're ready." (goes into Rachel's old room)

Chandler: (confused) "That was weird."

Joey: "Why would she go in the bedroom?"

Stripper: "I'm waiting."

(baffled, Chandler & Joey walk into the bedroom and immediately walk back out)

Chandler: "So she's a…"

Joey: "Yep, that's one naked hooker."

**SCENE: Ross' apartment, Mona is there with Ross--

Mona: "I love your place." (picks up a small statue) "Where's this guy from?"

Ross: "Uh, that's an 18th century Indian artifact from Calcutta."

Mona: "Oh wow. So, you're more than just dinosaurs."

Ross: "So much more."

(they start 'making out', Mona's foot hits the statue on the apothecary table and breaks it)

Mona: "Oh. Oh my God. Oh my God, I am so sorry."

Ross: "Oh, forget it, it's from Pier-One."

(they start 'making out' again, only to be interrupted by a knock at the door)

Ross: "I'm sorry." (gets up to answer the door)

Dr Green: "You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I'm gonna kill you!"

Ross: "Y'know, this is actually not a great time for me."

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Dr Green: "So, come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant…"

Mona: "You got Rachel pregnant?"

Ross: (trying to cover) "Who did?"

Dr Green: "You did!"

Ross: (to Mona) "Yes, yes I did but- but it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing."

Dr Green: "Oh really?! That's what my daughter means to you… nothing?!"

Ross: "No, no sir. She means a lot to me. I mean, I care- I love Rachel…"

Mona: "What?!"

Ross: "I mean, not in that way. I mean, I- I'm not in love with her, I- I love her like a friend."

Dr Green: "Oh really?! Is that how you treat a friend?! You get her in trouble and then you refuse to marry her?!"

Ross: (defensive) "Hey, I offered to marry her!"

Mona: "Uh?!"

Ross: (to Mona) "But I didn't want to."

Dr Green: "Well, why not?! So you could spend your time with this tramp?!"

Mona: "Tramp?!"

Ross: "Uh, I'm sorry… Dr Green Mona, Mona Dr Green."

**SCENE: Chanlder & Monica's apartment, Chandler & Joey are in the livingroom, the stripper/hooker is still in the bedroom--

Chandler: "I can't believe there is a naked hooker in there."

Joey: "Wait, wait, maybe she's a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she's supposed to do."

Chandler: "Could be. I mean, technically she did strip, we- we just missed it."

(Joey nods in agreement, they both take a few steps closer to the bedroom door)

Chandler: "Ma'am, uh, are you also a stripper?"

Hooker: "Uh, no, but I can pretend to strip. But that's gonna cost extra. Ok, here's the extra's: handcuffs, spanking…"

(Chandler makes a 'Chandler noise' and he and Joey retreat a few steps)

Joey: "Maybe Monica's playing a joke on you. Y'know, getting her own husband a hooker, that's pretty funny."

Chandler: (deadpan) "That is funny." (sarcastic) "Maybe for my birthday she'll murder someone."

Joey: "I bet Ross was in on it, too. I mean, he was conveniently" (air quotes) "busy."

Hooker: "Do you mind if I smoke in here?"

Chandler: "Oh, actually I'd rather you…" (pause) "Yeah, go ahead." (to Joey) "We're gonna have to burn that room down anyway."

**SCENE: Ross' apartment, Ross is physically sandwiched between Mona & Dr Green--

Mona: "How could you have kept all of this from me?"

Ross: "I- I was going to tell you but…"

Dr Green: (interrupting) "But what? You think you could get what you want and then dump her like Rachel?"

Ross: (defensive) "Hey! I did not dump Rachel!" (to Mona) "Nor are we still together."

(phone rings)

Ross: (moves to answer the phone) (to Dr Green) "Can I just…?" (Dr Green won't let him by) "Why don't we just let the machine get that."

Joey: (on phone/answering machine) "Hey, Ross, it's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we though maybe you know something about it."

Ross: (reacting to Joey's message) "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I- I… I need to lie down."

**SCENE: Kitchen of Monica's restaurant--

Stu: "So, tonight's the night of the big bachelor party?"

Monica: "Yeah. Hey, thanks for giving me that girl's number."

Stu: "No problem. Say, who's the party for?"

Monica: "My husband."

Stu: (amazed) "You hired your husband a hooker?"

Monica: (concerned) "She's a stripper."

Stu: "No, she's a hooker."

Monica: "Is that what they call strippers sometimes?"

Stu: "When they're hookers."

Monica: "Oh my God, Stu, I can't believe you did this. You're absolutely sure she's a hooker?"

Stu: "Either that or she's the best, most expensive date I ever had."

(Monica takes off her cooking smock and runs out)

**SCENE: Chandler & Monica's, Chandler & Joey are in the livingroom, stripper/hooker is still in the bedroom--

Joey: "Maybe she meant to get you a hooker."

Chandler: "Why would she do that?"

Joey: "Maybe she wants you to learn something. Is there anything you're really bad at? You know… sexually?"

Chandler: "This is the worst bachelor party ever."

Hooker: "What's taking you boys so long?"

Joey: (irritated) "In a minute!"

Chandler: (freaked) "In a minute?! What's gonna happen in a minute?!"

Joey: "Alright, alright, maybe you should just ask her to leave?"

Chandler: "Why me?"

Joey: "Hey, it's your bachelor party."

Chandler: "Which is why you should do it."

Joey: "I don't want to. You do it."

Chandler: "You do it."

Joey: "You do it."

Chandler: "Alright, rock paper scissors who has to tell the whore to leave."

(Chandler gets ready to play, Joey just smiles at him)

Chandler: "What?"

Joey: "I miss this."

Chandler: "I don't think we've actually done this before!"

Joey: "No, no, no, no… I miss hanging out with you."

Chandler: "We still hang out."

Joey: "Not like we used to. Remember, you and me used to be inseparable! Now its like… things are different."

Chandler: "Well, ya'know, things are different. I'm married now."

Joey: "Yeah, sure, and hey, don't get me wrong I am so happy for you guys, but I just- I miss hanging out just- just us, ya'know?"

Chandler: "Yeah, I miss that too."

Joey: "Yeah."

Chandler: "I tell you what, from now on we'll make time to hang out with each other."

Joey: "You got it. Com'ere."

(they hug, stripper/hooker comes out of the bedroom dressed only in a sheet)

Hooker: "Oh God. Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys."

(Monica runs in)

Monica: "She's a hooker! She's a hooker! She's a--" (stops abruptly upon seeing the hooker) (to hooker) "Hi. We spoke on the phone." (approaches her and shakes her hand)

**SCENE: Rachel & Joey's apartment, Rachel & Phoebe are there, Ross enters--

Ross: (upset) "So, your dad dropped by." (sarcastic) "He's a pleasant man."

Phoebe: "Oh no, I better go."

(walks over to recliner and sits down)

Phoebe: (RE: the looks Ross & Rachel are giving her) "Just over here. I don't wanna miss the fight."

Rachel: "Ross, I'm so sorry, ok? I- I promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person. Or via e-mail."

Ross: "I don't care about your dad, I care about Mona. She was there and now she's totally freaked out."

Rachel: "Oh, ok, I'll fix it too. What's her e-mail address?"

Ross: (scolding) "Rachel…"

Rachel: "Alright, I promise I'll fix this. I swear, I'll- I'll- I'll talk to her."

Ross: "Ok."

Rachel: "Ok."

Ross: "Thank you."

Phoebe: "That's it? You call that a fight? C'mon!" (imitating Ross & Rachel in fights past) "'We were on a break! - No we weren't!' What happened to you two?"

**SCENE: Ross' apartment, he opens the door to Mona--

Ross: (to Mona) "Thank you so much for coming back over."

(Mona enters, sees Rachel who stands to greet her)

Mona: "Oh good, you're here." (sarcastic) "Yeah, I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable."

Rachel: "I know, Mona, please hear me out. First of all, I am so sorry about my father yelling at you… but I heard that you totally held your own. You're gonna have to tell me how you did that."

Ross: (quietly to Rachel) "Focus."

Rachel: "Ok, um, but ok, yes, Ross and I used to date, and yes we are gonna have a baby, but we are definitely not getting back together."

Mona: "How can I be sure of that?"

Rachel: "Oh, because we drove each other crazy. I mean, he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go."

Ross: "Trying to date this woman."

Rachel: "Right, none of that compared to how kind and- and gentle, and thoughtful he is." (links arms with him)

Ross: "Probably shouldn't touch me."

(she lets go)

Mona: "I- I just don't wanna get in the middle of something so complicated."

Rachel: "I know, but what relationship isn't complicated? I mean, we all have our baggage. You must too, why else would you still be single?" (beat) "I'm so gonna leave right now." (leaves)

Ross: "Shall I leave this open for you too?"

Mona: "I'm not sure yet. Why didn't you just tell me about all this?"

Ross: "Because what's going on with Rachel has nothing to so with how I feel about you."

Mona: "Yeah, well, you still should've told me."

Ross: "I know. I was going to, but…" (pause) "I thought it was better if you heard it from Rachel's father." (awkward smile) "Look, I- I made a mistake. It's only because I really, really like you. Really."

Mona: "Ok, I guess you can close the door now."

(he closes the door, they move slowly to kiss, Rachel enters)

Rachel: "Forgot my purse- Oh, you guys made up. He's a great kisser, isn't he?"

(Ross starts to shut the door on Rachel)

Rachel: "I'm going."

**SCENE: Chandler & Monica's apartment, Chandler & Monica are alone--

Monica: "I swear, I didn't know she was a hooker. I mean…" (smells something) "Did you let her smoke in here?"

Chandler: "Her ass print is still on your grandmother's quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?"

Monica: "You know what? I'm gonna make this up to you. I promised you a stripper…" (gets up and turns stereo on) "And you're gonna get a stripper." (starts to undress)

Chandler: "Monica, wait."

Monica: "What?"

(he puts his bachelor party cardboard crown on)

Chandler: "Carry on."

(she tries to take her jacket off, but it gets stuck - after a little effort, she gets it off)

Monica: (exaggerated stripper-type tone of voice) "Oh, these tennis shoes are so tight, I think I'll take them off."

Chandler: "Could you not narrate?"

Monica: (pause) "Gotcha, sailor."

(she kicks her shoe off and it flies in the direction of the kitchen and crashes into something - she pauses for a moment - Chandler has a look on his face like he's waiting to see if she's gonna react to whatever broke - she continues to strip)

CLOSING CREDITS

**SCENE: Rachel & Joey's apartment, Rachel is reading while the phone is in her hand, not up to her ear, her dad can be heard yelling at her from the phone--

(Phoebe enters and hears Dr Green yelling from the phone)

Phoebe: "Oh, you told your dad the truth."

Rachel: "About an hour ago."

Phoebe: "Wanna go see a movie?"

Rachel: "Yes." (stands to leave, sets the phone on the counter without hanging up) "Bye dad."

(Rachel & Phoebe leave, Joey enters from his room, rubbing his eyes, looking sleepy - walks past the phone and hears talking - sees the phone and picks it up hesitantly - starts to listen)

Joey: "Hey! I do too think about the consequences of my decisions!" (listens) "Well, what gives you the right to-" (listens) "Go to hell!" (hangs up the phone & gets a beer from the fridge) "Stupid guy on my phone."

-END-